Ditch the Coke Nail: Advice for the ’99 Percent’ Movement


An advice column for the Occupy Wall Street protesters, originally published on October 7, 2011 at Human Events:

My mother is drowning in debt so I can earn a degree that offers NO FINANCIAL SECURITY. I am the 99%

Dear Shameless in Seattle (or somewhere similar, most likely),

So, your story is that your selfish desire to study underwater basket weaving, Klingon, and queer musicology is drowning your mother in debt? Ever hear of a little something called shame? Or do they not teach that in your overpriced, masturbatory degree program?

Hey, jackass, how about giving a rat’s arse about your own mother? She should drown in debt so that you can continue with your unmarketable studies in navel gazing? What’s more, you’ve clearly mastered the art of being totally self-absorbed and no further studies in that concentration are necessary. Kudos, Doctor of Entitlement!

We’d bet cash money that you are totally against water boarding terrorists, but drowning your own mother so that you can mentally polish your bishop is hunky-dory, huh? You are a terrible son and a terrible human being. Man up, stop sucking at mommy’s increasingly shriveled teat, and get the hell off her lawn. If you want to study something with no financial security—say, tree-climbing or Oprah studies—do it on your own dime, leech.

And cut your hair; it looks absurd.

Continue reading at Human Events.

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