Editor’s note: The following is a guest post by Ben Stein. Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu.
Like the distinguished public servant Dominique Strauss-Kahn, I am a friend to all women, even the ones who didn’t fully appreciate my American Spectator column on the scurrilous charges filed against the former IMF chief. I’d like to extend an olive branch to those misguided members of the fairer sex by sharing some advice on the proper way to go about getting raped if you expect public intellectuals to take your charges seriously.
Ladies, my humble thoughts:
1.) Ensure that your rapist has a criminal history.
Should you find yourself being raped by a man with a long history of sexual abuse, take a moment to perform a criminal background check. This can be done with most modern smartphones as long as your hands are free.
No criminal record? In all likelihood, his sexually violent past is mere gossip and he is not a threat. You are engaged in a consensual sex act. Carry on.
2.) Find out your rapist’s profession.
Is your rapist an economist? If so, you are not being raped. As I asked in my last column, “Can anyone tell me any economists who have been convicted of violent sex crimes? Can anyone tell me of any heads of nonprofit international economic entities who have ever been charged and convicted of violent sexual crimes?”
As an economist, I can personally attest to the fact that economists do not rape. In fact, if I were to slip on a ski mask and surprise you in the dark alley by my house that I happen to know is rarely patrolled by police, rest assured, you’d be completely safe in my gloved hands.
3.) Choose a tall, muscular rapist with a weapon.
An unarmed fat man over the age of 50 cannot rape. Sure, some will try, but it beggars belief to suggest a gentleman like Dominique Strauss-Kahn could succeed at orally raping a feisty young chambermaid.
If you intend to report a rape, ensure that the perpetrator is armed with a knife or gun. He should also be fairly young and strikingly tall with lean, powerful muscles and rock hard abs. If he is short and pudgy, it is likely that you have consented to sex.
4.) Your rapist must not have travel plans.
Do not bother reporting your “rapist” unless his intention is to remain within the general vicinity of your encounter. If he has booked a flight scheduled to take off just a few hours after your tryst, his alibi is nearly unimpeachable. It is doubtful that you have been raped.
5.) Ensure that your rapist is no one noteworthy.
Accomplished men with recognizable faces–men like me–do not deserve to be treated like common criminals when a mere pleb makes allegations of sexual misconduct. Generally speaking, the allegations should not be made at all when men of great import are involved. Take a moment to consider whether you’re misinterpreting a consensual rendezvous as something more unsavory.
6.) Be an economist.
If you intend to be raped, make certain you are a professional working in a field populated exclusively by people of unassailable character and credibility. Housekeeping is not such a field. As I explained earlier this week, “I have had hotel maids that were complete lunatics, stealing airline tickets from me, stealing money from me, throwing away important papers, stealing medications from me.”
Play it safe and study to become an economist.
Editor’s note: GFY, Ben Stein. And just to clarify for those who asked, yes, this is satire in response to an American Spectator column by Stein.