Try Showing a Little Cleavage: Final Advice for the “99 Percent” Movement


Part Three of our helpful advice to the ‘I am the 99 percent/Occupy Wall Street’ movement is up at Human Events. We are givers. Also see Part One: Ditch the Coke Nail and Part Two: Some Dreams Just Need Killing.

I am a young man, a person of conscience, an American tired of being one brick of countless bricks upon which this indecent edifice sways; committing violences to which I will ultimately have to answer for, though they be not of my volition, made guilty before I’d uttered my first words.

I am so angry. I am the 99%

Dear Commits Violences:

While your Pink-wannabe, inane and insane ‘free verse’ may impress your fellow travelers/criminals, it does not impress us. In fact, since we are sane it, you know, frightens us. Only a true sociopath would think that one who commits violences [sic] is at the same time a ‘person of conscience’. But, of course you are blameless, right? Because you say you commit these violences [sic] not of your own volition. Which is ironic, since our advice is that you be commited not of your own volition. And fast.

Also, are you in Seattle perchance? No particular reason we wish to know this …

Officers had been given a composite sketch of the suspect and detectives learned he had been at Westlake Park taking part in the Occupy Seattle protests.

The man is accused of exposing himself three times on Sept. 29 — once in Crown Hill, once near Alki Beach​, and a third time on Capitol Hill​. Three days later, he was spotted at Pinehurst Playfield near Northgate, and then again on Oct. 3 at the Lakeside soccer field in North Seattle.

I have a Master of Arts degree in Women’s Studies. However, the only job I can find is as a bartender at a local restaurant. I owe over 60k in student loans. I am forced to rely on food stamps and W.I.C. to support my son. Is this the “American Dream” I worked so hard for? I am the 99 percent!

Dear Feminist Failure,

Wait, you’re telling us that mastering the intersectional analysis of patriarchal oppression didn’t result in an avalanche of lucrative job offers? Who could’ve seen that coming?

But we’re a bit confused about your financial woes. Every bartender we know pulls in great tip money working even fewer hours than the average feminist activist.

Just a guess, but maybe your customers are put off by your “I had an abortion” t-shirt and “I heart Rachel Maddow​” button?

Here’s our advice: Stop regaling bar patrons with tragic tales of phallocratic hegemony and try showing a little cleavage. Oh, and just FYI, tweezers aren’t just for splinters–they work on eyebrows too. If all else fails, get in the kitchen and make your customer a sammich.

Tip city, baby!

Continue reading at Human Events.

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